12 Nov 2018

  1. I want the same thing I’ve said for the past few days: to become a member of a community of people who are doing real stuff in the real world, and to work more on not thinking that things I do are unimportant just because I’m the one doing them.
  2. I feel relieved that since these few bricks have started falling into place, I’ve been waking up in the morning thinking about ways to improve and how these realizations can help me, instead of thinking way too much about death.
  3. I need to expect that there will be ups and down about this process and not be taken by surprise by them, because they will come. Nothing is a monotonic increase.

10 Nov 2018

  1. I want to find a way to hold onto the realization I made yesterday, and I want to make some real headway and set milestones for myself in finishing that book on the Talmud that I bought.
  2. I feel relieved that I’m seeing other women saying the same things that I have been thinking and being depressed over for the last ten years, because it makes me feel a little not-crazy. It makes me connect the depression to the isolation that the realization brought and not just to the realization.
  3. I need the same thing I mentioned yesterday, to keep moving forward on this and to not fall back into comfortably enervating habits. I need to remember that when I feel empty, it becomes dangerously easy to try to fill myself up with others, or to wish I could, even if when push comes to shove I can’t and I know it. And I need a community of people I can be a part of who are actually doing things.

I feel like I’ve been poorly functioning for a long time and reaching for shit that won’t help, and some part of me has known it won’t help and been blocking me from really grabbing on, but this has left me with nothing to grab onto because I didn’t know what was going on.

The three questions

  1. I want to find a community of people making a concrete positive difference in the world and become part of them. I may not agree with them on everything, but I don’t have to. It’s doing the job that matters. And these people need to be more than coworkers, and they need to be doing real things, not talking about doing things.
  2. I feel angry that it’s taken me a long time to realize what’s going on, or at least to start to realize it. I’m a bit depressed that it didn’t happen younger because I feel I wasted a lot of time.
  3. I need to not dwell too much on that and just move forward, and hold onto this new realization and not slide back into the comfortable habit of self-abnegation and depression. It can get comfy there sometimes, and can seem like an easy solution in the face of repairing what appears to be an insurmountable mountain, to just sit at the foot of it and bide one’s time until death. I need to hold onto this. It’s precious to me.