Fuck you, piano.

Just fuck you. *sigh*


Life in a Faraday cage

A Faraday cage is a metallic room used to block out external electromagnetic interference. Named for some dead white guy, natch. Inside a Faraday cage, the outside world of wifi, cell towers, and radio doesn’t exist, and it’s completely electromagnetically quiet. A nontrivial amount of science is done inside of them.

Well, I seem to be needing a mental “Faraday cage” more and more as time goes on. The chatter and opinions of other people can be deafening to me, and the older I get the more I can’t stand the noise. This becomes a problem since music is (supposedly) about communication with others, and as I’ve already stated, I cannot stand the presence of others, and it’s getting worse with every passing year.

Again, I’m not sure how this will end up, but it is what it is. I like mental Faraday cages. They’re peaceful. 🙂

(I’m speaking metaphorically. If you think I’m actually wrapping my head in tinfoil, you’re very dumb.)

The crap

I think a big part of the crap is that I’m just not that happy with other human beings as a whole. I can’t even say “recently,” because this has been a long, slow buildup of disgust, anger, and disbelief for some time. And let’s face it, music is communicative. It’s hard to want to do it when you really can’t stand people or being around them, and you are completely disgusted with almost all aspects of human nature.

I would still create music if I were the only human left on Earth — in some ways, it might be emotionally easier for me — but I have to admit, it’s very hard to want to do it when every time I look at a collection of human beings, I seem to see a troop of nasty, tiny-minded little chimpanzee wannabes who want nothing so much as to all pull on the same color jersey, define an enemy tribe, and forge out to dehumanize and visit violence upon them. And it truly is ground into us. Bred in, right at the DNA level. We won’t change anytime soon.

And no, I’m not talking about one particular kind of humans — of course nothing like you or your kind! Those other humans over there! (Irony, much?) All of them. Every goddamned one.

And I’m not talking about one particular event, either. Isn’t there always one? I’m talking every day. All the time.

This is another thing that’s been a long time in coming, since about the last decade or close to it. I’ve grown so repulsed by human nature that I really want nothing to do with it.

Therefore, why work so hard to achieve in a communicative art when I can’t think of any humans that I’d really want to communicate with, because I’m sick of their shit and even their presence has grown acutely painful to me?

I don’t know where this is heading. I hope it turns a corner at some point in my life, because I’ve only now reached the back nine, and I’d rather not spend the next couple decades in this universe with such a shitty opinion of those who are in it with me. But at the same time, a turd is a turd, and you can’t talk it into a diamond if it isn’t one.

I’ve just got a bit of thinking to do.

I think I know why.

I always say that I want to be in a good mood at the piano, that it’s a nice happy little island for me, and I don’t enjoy taking my crap to it. I’ve been quite crappy lately mood-wise, though. At the harp, I’m at too low a level to even expect myself to have Something To Say™ so I can just turn my head off and do arpeggios in various inversions and practice extremely low-level things that don’t require me to say anything or actually get something done. I’m just not in the mood for that right now. I don’t think at the moment I have anything that I’m interested in articulating through the piano, at least nothing positive, and again I hate sitting at it when things are shitty. It’s my happy island, and that’s how it’s going to stay. I just don’t have much happy at the moment.

“Vaga Luna”

Another one that’ll work for lever harp — it’s in C Major and there’s only one flat that comes in, and if it’s tuned to Eb with all the levers down, it’s a flat that can be easily obtained.

A new blog?

I’m wondering whether or not this wouldn’t be a good option. I’ve had this blog for a very long time, and this shift that I’m undergoing seems like more of a break in path than a shift in path to me. There are aspects to it that I’d like to investigate with a real sense of newness, but as someone who came of age as the Internet did — along with all of the attendant questions revolving around social media personae — I’m very leery of “I’m this name on this blog, and that name in that community” and online handles multiplying out of control like vermin and being just as difficult to manage. I’m also not yet sure how this break/shift in focus is going to settle out, but it’s becoming evident to me that … well, I don’t think I need to use a pseudonym anymore.

I think I’m going to just stay here and let things work out for a while, and then reevaluate when it becomes evident that it’s needed.

Of course, I have a tendency to say that right before I go off on a tear, so we’ll see what happens. For now, I’m just itching to get that damned harp and get started on this new path. When I had surgery last year, I felt the same way. Once I knew I needed it, I was like, “Can you just do it now? Go grab some duct tape and a box knife, and I’ll wait here.” I tend not to care for dickering. Make a damned decision, and then move forward on it, or STFU.

Although, this seems like a good decision, to let things play out for a bit and see what seems like the best course of action when I have the benefit of a few months worth of hindsight.

“Tu scendi dalle stelle”

Like most songs for untutored voices, it’s straightforward, mostly I-IV-V-I, and has no accidentals, so it should be pretty lever-harp friendly. It’s even in Eb.

It’s really a nice feeling to contemplate composing and arranging without having to ask myself whether I should put it out under my own name when and if I opt to publish. Yes. Of course I should. Why wouldn’t I?