My past is what it is, and no amount of shuffling the pieces around on the board will change that. I cannot dig those pieces up out of my past and make them go away. Those are the pieces that are on my board. I need to find a way to play those pieces that will allow me to get the shit done that I need to do.
I need to move past the “therefores.” Shitty things happened to me, therefore I am damaged. Shitty things happened to me, and therefore I am strong and resilient. Screw the “therefores,” especially the ones that result in conclusions about myself. Therefore I am A. Therefore I am B. You know what? Fuck “therefore I am.”
“Shitty things happened to me, therefore shitty things happened to me,” is as far as I need to go. My past is damaged, and I need to build a fence around it so that it doesn’t bleed forward and soak into — and fuck up — my future.
My past is damaged, yes. Well guess what, I still need to get shit done — the shit I am going to badly regret not doing because I’ve decided that it’s the shit I was put on this Earth to do.
I also really need to stop swinging my fists at people who haven’t been in my life for twenty years, and hitting the entirely uninvolved people who are standing right next to me in the here and now. Somehow, I have to stop doing that. I don’t know how. I think it involves just not doing it.
It also involves going away for a while and just getting my work done a la Steven Pressfield’s “do the work.”
Down periscope. See you all in a bit.